Choices are mentally taxing, they eat up on your mental bandwidth for the day, so the more choices you have to make the less productive you can be on that perticular day. Even the simplest of the choices does chew on your ability to be productive, maybe that is the reason why people like Mark Zuckerberg stick to that Grey T-shirt blue jeans combo or Steve Jobs stuck to that black turtle neck for almost the entirety of his life, well maybe that or the internet likes him in that attire.
The reason for that as engraved in many books or on YouTube is, One less decision to make, one less trying to bother your brain, one less thing polluting your productivity.
The thought that got me on here today…
This simple behaviour of some people got me thinking, if someone finds just deciding on what to pair, what to wear as something eating on their mental bandwidth, what sort of loss are we suffering, when we are holding grudges against other people.
Why do we hold grudges?? Why is it difficult for us to move on?? How does this process change us into someone we won’t ever recognise?? These are some questions I had while interacting with a few people the past three to four weeks.
The pathogenesis of a grudge…
Yes, and that is what I am naming this section heavily influenced by the title of a series I haven’t watched, anyways so I believe, to have a grudge on someone you have to be in close proximity with them in some way, like either emotionally (having a bond with them, like friends, family, etc.) or physically ( being with them in close proximity, co-workers, classmate, etc.) or both maybe.
I am working as an assistant professor, I get to interact with students between the ages of 18 years to 22 years typically, or co-workers of varied ages obviously about 22, so I frequently interact with all of the above mentioned groups, I have seen all sorts of reactions to immature tussles, from passive-aggressive, to blatantly aggressive, to wishing ill for the person, etc., If your source of happiness is the sufferings of that one person what have you really become are you still you or have you lost yourself to the grudge, let me save you the trouble my friend you are lost and if it is possible for you to return go back as soon as possible, holding a grudge and being consumed by that, for some people it is all they can think of, I have seen performances of my students hit rock bottom within weeks, even days of a tussle with that one person, all the goals blurring away what is left is just the anger, the desire of burning that person in hells fire consuming you, but how really is burning?? Does an aimless existence, however short it maybe even worth existing?? I got the answer much later in my life I just hope for you to find the right one soon.
Un-grudging…
Although not a real word, it is but necessary for functioning properly in life, you may think you do okay in day-to-day life but dragging a baggage of grudge, you just drag yourself through the day functioning at the bellow par levels, those too plummeting to a zero with that person around.
The best way to come out of grudges is not to have them in the first place.
Gaur Gopal Das in one of the videos on YouTube said something along the lines of, we should listen to the other person in an argument in an attempt to respond and not react we shouldn’t be a “7up” can that we burst each time someone tries to shake us up, but like a bottle of water that stays calm under such situations. Respond, when you respond your answers are formed with logic and substance while when you react it is just your frustration, ego, pain and turmoil that is talking, hence you may say things you otherwise would not, should not. Always respond.
The memory Dungeon…
I was fond of YouTube for the majority of my life, there one day I found Sadguru saying something close to meaning the person that hurts you may have just hurt you once and then it is all you, you then keep thinking about that moment again and again almost everyday he is not doing anything to you now but your memories are. You really have to evaluate who is doing more damage, he who has wronged you, or your brains, your memories when they keep repeating that one moment again and again pinning you down to the frustration that you feel each time you visit the memory dungeon don’t focus on that memory, nip the grudge in the bud.
Forgive yourself…
One of the easiest yet the most difficult ways to grow out of grudge and find peace is forgiveness, it is difficult though, how will you muster the courage to forgive someone who has wronged you, well to that I say, forgive them so that you forgive yourself the pain of that memory, the torment you will feel if you see that face each day, the frustration of not being able to concentrate on other things that probably matter more than that one person, the guilt of taking that frustration out on others , others who definitely love you or mean more to you than that wrong doer, move forward move past them forgive them and pile up the lessons you’ve learnt through this experience, this will help you in life, cut yourself some slack, forgive them so that you forgive yourself of this eternal torment.
Empathy…
The importance of empathy is expressed in a few books I have read the most recent ones with a short section on it are “Someday Is Today: 22 Simple, Actionable Ways to Propel Your Creative Life” by Matthew Dicks and “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Christopher Voss and Tahl Raz.
As an Audiologist and a Speech Language Pathologist I have heard that empathy is an important attribute in our repertoire, so much so that we celebrated a day named Empathy as the annual day in the previous institute I was a part of.
Empathy is an important tool to acquire if we want to attain peace, because if we are not able to move past a person, if we are not able to forgive them for whatever reason, empathy will at least help us understand where the person is coming from, now that doesn’t mean you have to agree with that person or forgive them you just understand where they are coming from and that more often than not will rationalize their behaviour a little to you, understanding them will help you move past them with ease and you’ll be free once again.
Limit your time and save yourself…
Another nice way to help you on your journey of un-grudging is limiting the time spent with or around that person it is especially helpful when you see that person on a daily basis, maybe he is a coworker, a classmate, your neighbour, or maybe even an extended family member, when you can’t avoid them, limiting the time spent around them is the virtually the next best thing.
Being around positive people, people who make you happy will breed happiness in you that in turn will help you be positive and perform optimally at any task you are working on. Being around people you hate will disrupt your peace, breed frustration, and negativity which will hamper your productivity all together.
The thing I have asked of my students when they approach me with a problem which can’t be solved by either forgiveness or empathy is limiting the time spent with that person, the conversation you will have with that person and completely eliminate the conversations that you have about that person with others.
Another thing that is mostly useful to students is why bother, why bother with someone whose existence may never bother you after these 3-4 years, how wise it is of you to waste the most important years of your life because of someone who is virtually non existent to you after a short ( seemingly long) amount of time.
Limit your time with that person, be around productive people, happy people, positive people, and you’ll be productive, happy and more positive.
These are the ways I try dealing with the human hurdles of my life, there is another way if you really can’t stand a person just put them in the list of the anti-hero in your story like a sabertooth to a Wolverine, a Joker to a Batman, a Lex Luthor to a Superman or better yet, A Reverse flash to your Flash, by the way DC over Marvel anyday, you get the point though. Putting them there forces you to be good as you are the hero you can never do wrong, also it may give you this feeling that the other person is an anti hero and are bound to play against you by nature, so dealing with them gets easier, put them in there till you can forgive them, or empathise with them because once you do you can go past them easily.
Choose yourself over the anger, the frustration the guilt, choose good times over torment for yourself, choose yourself, choose to ignore and move on to greater heights, the mountain is you.
“When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.”
Alan Paton