The Question❓ Answered
It is 2002, I am in 5th standard, a skinny boy with arms for legs, sitting on my desk in school. We don’t have a class as our science teacher is on leave, nobody yet has come into the class as a substitute teacher and all the back benchers are praying (including the atheists) that the substitute does not come.
As there is no class everyone, is sincerely doing their work, everyone but us. The toppers with utmost sincerity are busy making notes, revising the previous chapters, they were busy building themselves a nice future. My best friend was busy sincerely and methodically picking his nose 🐽, he is on a mission to deep clean his burrows today.
While three of my friends and I are busy playing the game of Truth and Dare, it is my turn, I strategically choose TRUTH as I suspect they have a gruesome task planned as my DARE. I choose TRUTH, I see dismay over their faces I feel satisfied, they ask me the TRUTH question ⁉️ ” Who in your family do you not love??”
To their surprise I had the answer as soon as they finished the question. “My father.” I said and a shockwave went through the room along with a look of disbelief 🫢. I see the expression of shock on their faces and with a grin on my face I say “What ?? Let’s play the next turn.” But we did not play anymore.
“I don’t hate my father, I respect him the most, I don’t think I can ever respect anyone more. It’s just that love is not the emotion that comes to my mind on the thought of my father. I love my sister, my mother I don’t see my father in the same light, I guess I love him the least in my family.” I am thinking this to myself, sitting at my desk head down I guess it is an attempt to justify myself to myself after those dreadful gazes from my classmates.
This is the first of many times I tell it publicly I don’t love my father that much.
The probable reason
I have thought of this on and off ever since, I want to know the reason behind this line of thinking, we were never on bad terms, never mistreated each other, I had a ton of respect for him, why was the love lagging, I came to this one conclusion which sort of justified what was wrong when nothing actually was wrong.
My father was working a job 💪 out of state and because he was working he could pay for my education, food, music, pleasures, and everything else, hence the respect.
Because he was mostly out of state and visited us hardly for a week or so in about 2-3 months, he was not there for most of my school life he missed a lot.
- The time I was the second position holder at a recitation competition in 3rd standard.
- The times I topped my, music class and wanted to hug him 🫂, show him my achievements.
- The times I was bullied, and wanted to weep in front of him, and not pretend to be strong in front of my mother.
He was just not there and hence there was this weak emotional connection around our relationship, that was probably the reason for this lack of love.
This belief grew on me since that game of TRUTH AND DARE. This has slowly but surely driven us apart, I realised it around 2018 when I was with him for about 1 week and we hardly spoke 30 – 35 words, yes I kept count.
Was he at fault, or was I wrong, I don’t think anyone was, when no one was, how did we end up here.
A trip down memory lane 🛣️
This past week I was playing with my daughter. I don’t miss a second of those 1.5 hours, (I have an alarm for this) I can’t miss them I can’t lose any chance of seeing her smile 😊 the day feels incomplete without it. It was about 6 in the evening she was kicking the ball ⚽ and I was kicking it back each time the ball reached her, the sound of her laughter filled me with joy. The sound of her voice triggered a memory from my childhood, a memory of me laughing like her, my father swimming 🏊♀️ in a pond in our Village and I balancing sitting on his back laughing like that was it, the happiest moment of my life.
It was then I saw everything from his perspective. He was just not there, he missed my childhood 🚸 as much as my younger self missed him being around. He has missed every day for 14 years straight, which I can’t miss for even a second (being around my child), this was not by choice, but because of love, he sacrificed 14 years of happiness, the same happiness I get by seeing my daughter, he sacrificed that for 14 straight years.
That day amongst the sound of the innocent laughter of my daughter, I realised the sacrifice of my father, the understanding of that sacrifice brought about an increase in the respect I already felt for him, but it brought a new feeling with it, something I never thought I had in me for him, love was what I felt, I picked my daughter up and more happy memories rushed into my brain, memories he gave me with the small amount of time we had together.
- The walks we had together
- The time he rushed to the railway station 🚉 at 2 am to get me bananas 🍌 in a tank top and shorts, I was a demanding kid. He did the best he could.
- He carved me a cricket kit himself, went from being a professional to a carpenter 🪚 for me.
- Those swims were epic too with me riding his back, and a lot more.
That laughter took me down a memory lane I forgot existed.
The incomplete closure
It has been a week and I want to tell him that I love him, there is nothing else but love, ( it is also a strong love as it is new found) I have called him 2 times since this realisation but I can’t really put my feelings to words.
I guess all these years of silence have built a wall between us, a wall too thick for communication to penetrate it took time to build that wall around 20-25 years give or take and only time can penetrate it now, but do we have this amount of time is the question, and I believe in all honesty that the answer is NO, I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME.