Unpacking Emotional Baggage: Resentment

Why unpacking this??

The book “The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!)” by Damon Zahariades gave me clarity on the importance of saying NO! and saying it without any guilt, the ways of saying NO where people mostly won’t resent you. (some people are in any scenario nut cases, what can we do but count them as exceptions). While reading the book I thought to myself what actually are GUILT and RESENTMENT. The next day sitting, sipping on my daily dose of Salt water with my eyes fixed on the delightful sight of the dawn breaking, the red skies and the morning breeze blowing across my face, and I was re-collecting everything I read, contemplating on guilt, resentment connected to a NO! I remembered I have resented a few people without them saying NO to me I have felt guilty of things other than saying NO!

These emotions are powerful enough to destroy beautiful things and eat up on the person they affect and the people around them, This post is my point of view targeting RESENTMENT and what life has taught me about it.

The Burden of Resentment

Resentment can be perceived as an emotional turmoil of hurt, anger, disgust and other things, it results in anger more often than not but is way complicated than that, anger being a single emotion can be overcome much easier than resentment, at least this is what I believe.

You resenting someone can be the result of what (you believing what) they did to you in the past, what you’ve heard about them, etc.

I have, with all negative passion resented two people the most in my life, I still resent one and as I write this I can still remember, feel the horror of what they did that got me to resent them.

Previously at that thought I would instantly clutch my teeth, involuntarily my hands would clinch into a fist and I could feel the rage even after 7 years of that incident (it has been 2 years since I don’t feel anything anymore).

The Branches of resentment

So as I said I felt that rage that anger each time that memory was triggered and I’d project that anger that rage on the very next person that interacted with me, that is what Resentment does to you,

• Clings on to you
• Disturbs you
• Doesn’t let you progress
• Drains you
• Potentially challenges existing relationships
• Virtually prevents you from forming new relationships
• May result in depression and anxiety
• Sometimes even makes you paranoid

Fueling the Flames: Nurturing Resentment

Resentment, we have all see it, felt it, and maybe also powered through it sometimes even if it takes as long as 7 years.

It is simple to understand for the person how feels it also easily conveyed by words, actions or even the lack of them, to the person being resented upon. “Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do.”

The precise miscalculation

I was fortunate enough to have a subject titled “Universal Human Values.” in my curriculum wherein, I could, I believe pin point the reason of why and where this resentment stems from.

It, I believe stems for a miscalculated compression, a comparison between, I ( the person resenting) and You ( the person being resented) the miscalculation being the comparison my intent with the your competence, We trust our own intention while we are not ready to trust the others intention, we judge their intention by their competence (actions). Which is so wrong.

Don’t believe everything you think

If I ask my 2 years old daughter to give me a glass of water and resent her if she can’t, and believe she doesn’t love me, making me resent her even more, I am an idiot of the greatest degree. She might have all the intentions of loving me or even bringing me that glass of water but the fact that her height stops her from reaching the glass, or maybe the lid on the bottle is too tight for her to open or maybe the fact that she is too young to understand me, could be the reasons of her failing to comply with my request. It has noting to do with her intention, they are as pure as they can get and are still not polluted by the ways of the world.

In our interactions, it’s important to remember that while we may be certain of our own intentions, it’s not always easy to understand the intentions of others. Instead of assuming the worst, based just on their competence, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of focusing on our differences, let’s focus on building trust and understanding. By looking at our own abilities and considering the positive intentions of others, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Let’s choose to have faith in one another and embrace a more optimistic approach to our connections.

Always remember its easier to improve on actions, competence can be achieved with practice, positive feedback and understanding, our thoughts however can run wild if not contained. Ask my wife, after all these years I finally have stopped placing the wet towel on the bed she never doubted my intentions although her positive feedback strangely resembled nagging at times, but even I don’t doubt her intentions. We are golden for now at least, here is to hope.

The mountain conquered

I have an on and off habit of journaling and 2 years back one fine evening sitting on a bean bag in my balcony looking at the rainbow, I sat and wrote all that resentment took from me, my smile, my jovial personality, I pushed a few good people away, It made me pretentious, people at times questioned my sanity, well I did to I questioned my sanity every time I cooled off of the anger, I wrote all this and asked myself is it worth it?? Is that single memory worth all this ?? and the answer was NO!!, that rainbow filled my life with colours again, that moment saved me further torment, the burden was lifted. It really feels light, calming and uplifting you should try it sometime.

Before moving on

Through this post I set out to discuss one of the two emotions that drag us down and drain us in every sense. Before trying to scale the mountain of Guilt, I’d just ask one thing of you, that day on the bean bag in my balcony that book, that pen, the rainbow saved me I was able to stand on the face of resentment and gleefully accept life thereafter, after 7 long years I mustered the courage to ask myself the important question “is it worth it??” I end this post asking you the same question in hopes that you don’t take 7 years to decide it for yourself, with all the hope in the Pandora’s box that your answer is a NO!

Is it worth it ?? Is the resentment worth more than your life to you??