Is that Guilt ??

“Human beings are social animals.” I read this in, I suppose 1st or 2nd Grade Science text book and it stays engraved in my memory ever since, this is the second most important science thing I know, the first in all obviousness being “Mitochondria is the power house of a cell.”

So we are social animals, and that means we need others to survive. We need meaningful human interactions to be able to live, now these interactions results from, and in, feelings, emotions and these feelings or emotions can either be positive or negative.

Positives are the ones we need to remember but unfortunately they are the ones those evade our memories, what resides in there are the negative emotions of Resentment and Guilt. Sucking the life force out of us, making us see things that are not there, forcing us do or say things we would never do, changing us mostly for the worst, eating us from the inside-out.

In the previous post we scaled the mountain of Resentment and now I am writing this to unburden myself of GUILT with a hope that you do the same, break the shackles and move freely, move ahead in your life.

I am guilty or am I ??

I was going to discuss this section a little later in the post but then I thought understanding the difference between “the real guilt” a guilt that comes from within, and a fake externally induced guilt that we often mistake as the real one is more important than the autopsy of guilt itself.

Understanding guilt through the eyes of a Speech Language Pathologist

Although my primary earning role has me working as an Audiologist, but as of 8:30 pm sitting on the bean bag again, looking at the stars for inspiration, there are 2 analogies related to Fluency Disorders (Stuttering and Cluttering) in my mind to explain guilt.

• The real guilt can be compared to cluttering when you understand you clutter (Speak very fast, hence the speech is distorted) you are able to willingly get that rate of speech down or help your therapist do so. Only when you understand you clutter you can help remedy it. ( most of the times a person with cluttering is unaware). Like the person with cluttering deliberately trying to reduce his rate of speech each time he notices himself going faster.
• In the same way when you understand that you are guilty you will self correct and the outcome will be positive
• These days though Guilt is used like a Weapon, people induce guilt into you to manipulate you ( I have been a victim of that, at the hands of many of my close relatives)
• From the lens of a Speech Language Pathologist it is like Diagnosogenic Theory of stuttering, a child doesn’t really stutter but the caregivers, generally parents, label his little developmental stumbles as STUTTERING and keep labeling it again and again and again and the child slowly but surely starts thinking he really stutters, as he is being labeled with that a lot, and starts stuttering eventually.
• This Guilt is also used to slow you down, or to bring you down, to stop you from progressing in life. That is Fake Guilt that is almost always negative don’t fall into that trap. Don’t let people manipulate you into feeling guilty, people do it for trivial reasons and if you fall for it once you’ll keep falling for it always.
• It is not easy to avoid this guilt this is programmed into us since childhood by our parents, family members, and others.
• Its so prevalent, this fake guilt, that Damon Zahariades had to write a book “The Art Of Saying NO: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted (Without Feeling Guilty!)” telling people they should not feel guilty saying NO, they should not let people bully them and make them feel guilty for saying NO.

The Yin and Yang ☯️ of Guilt: Embracing its Duality

There are two sides to a coin, let us discuss the heads and the tails of GUILT. We all know on the inside that Guilt can be bad but at times it is good as well, let us look at guilt as a motivator first, later we can get to discussing the obvious dark side of Guilt.

The Positives

The first proper introduction to this word, like the genesis and the importance of “GUILT” was explained to me in one of the psychology classes I took as a part of my Bachelor’s degree curriculum in the first year back in 2009, the class was on Erik Erikson’s Theory of personality which implies that the concept of guit and initiative is there, developing in a child at the age of 3 years.

The Moral Compass 🧭

Now it is important for parents to understand that teaching your kid to take initiative is good but a healthy personality develops if there is initiative with a touch of GUILT because only initiative and no guilt will make the child ruthless because the child just wants to fulfill his desires and will do anything to get there and when guilt is not there he is unable to tell right from wrong, guilt is important here as he will become our Moral Compass.

Motivation for Change:

Guilt, when experienced truly on the inside is a true motivator for change. I felt guilty when I failed my exam of “BASIC MEDICAL SCIENCES RELATED TO SPEECH AND HEARING and that guilt guided me to a much better academic result in the following year, it really pushes us to become a better version of ourselves.

Emotional Growth

Guilt again, when in realistic proportion brings about introspection and hence can help in emotional growth, a better understanding of our own values. It can also make you more resilient emotionally and in turn provide us with skills and courage to face difficult emotions and adversity.

Strengthening Relationships

Guilt also deepens bonds when acknowledged and addressed. Expressing remorse and seeking forgiveness can foster trust and intimacy. Too much of this though can be your torment carefully navigating here is important.

With the positives addressed, it’s time to move out of the light into the darkness and the wreck guilt can turn your life into when you succumb to it.

The Negatives

Impaired Decision-Making

Starting again from the personality theory of Erik Erikson the initiative vs guilt stage. It’s a double edge sword 🗡️ where too much initiative means the child has no remorse and becomes ruthless and on the other hand too much guilt means the child becomes becomes indecisive as his innate guilt makes him doubt everything he does so he precisely chooses not to do anything and hence feel no guilt. What will his life turn out to be dependent on others for trivial stuff, for day to day ventures, for sharing HIS OWN LIFE. Will he not become passive aggressive after a while ??

Emotional Distress

If you are guilty and that idea is reinforced again and again on you it becomes an emotional baggage and drains you of your life energy you may keep playing those situations in your head again and again and this may cause anxiety, depression and a feeling of inferiority that is sure to harm your emotional and mental health.

Self-Worth Erosion

Been there done that sort of story for me, under the weights of externally reinforced guilt for a long time I believed I could do nothing that will ever get me out of this guilty feeling . This interfered with my process of self forgiveness, I was not able to forgive myself and unburden myself of the weights of that guilt. Others tend to take advantage of this guilt as I did almost everything they said as I thought I was guilty in the process allowing them to treat me like a piece of crap. This led to them and myself breaching my self confidence again and again pushing me down into the rabbit hole 🕳️ of self loathing, feeling of inferiority, worthlessness and depression, don’t let people or even yourself take a jab at your self worth know the limits of his much you can take.

Sabotagerd relationships

In the positives I talked about how guilt can strengthen relationships but it can do the opposite as well. If the other person keeps chipping at your self worth treats you with disgust when you know you are guilty you become passive – aggressive, sometimes without even knowing you have become that, you won’t say things then and there because of your guilt but your actions or lack of them will show your negatively in time. That is bound to adversely affect a relationship that you are trying to mend.

Sometimes guilt may look like love but it’s not, beware. Miscalculation of guilt as love may lead to dire consequences.

Also because you don’t say anything to the person you are trying to mend things with, you sometimes may become overly aggressive to others in your life, taking the frustration out on them. This behaviour is so wrong because it is adversely affecting your relationship with others in your life. I have done that and that is not a good place to be in, please stop pushing people away because you are affected by that one person reinforcing that one guilt over you when you know you have repent enough in your life. Learn to forgive yourself, everything is going to be okay 👍

Getting out and moving on

Guilt is heavy 🪨, but it is only as heave as you would let it be, unburdening this weight is again on you it’s your journey lead the way. Don’t ever let others decide on the time to lay this burden down or you’ll never be able to release it.

Treat it as a journey

Guilt can be a positive journey that you complete and come out as a different person on the other side, or it can be a torment of never ending hell fire 🔥 you indure forever. If you take my advice opt for the former it will be the best thing you’d do to yourself.

The voice inside you

Self reflection is the key here to avoid the rabbit hole guilt can put you in.

• If you feel you are guilty, chances are you really are guilty, take the journey to come out better
• Keep asking the inner voice and it will tell you if and when your journey is complete.
• If someone tries to make you feel guilty self reflect again and analyse if you feel guilty on the inside, if yes repeat the process.
• If not, simply move on, people you try to induce false guilt manipulative parasites consuming your self respect, your time, your energy, for their shady motives, stay clear of them and you will be golden.

Ending Guilt and Embracing Freedom

I am concluding this with a realisation I have had about guilt, it’s like any other human emotion, we don’t feel sad all the time, neither do we feel happy all the time, or angry or excited , then we should also not feel guilty all the time. Understanding the reason behind the guilt and self reflection are important tools to atone on the journey of self improvement through the route of GUILT.

• Carry your burden and not the burden others impose on you.
• You decide when it’s time to unburden yourself and not others.
• Guilt should not let you compromise your self respect.

Don’t wait for others to unburden you, unburden yourself. Learn to forgive yourself, move on and live your life.